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8:03 a.m. - 2002-08-28
Seriously Whacked� I lost it yesterday. I seriously lost it. Off-deep-end / Whacked / Loco / F_cked-in-the-head / Nucking-Futs! / not well�. The whole EBF saga left me with some serious issues most of which are still present� I�m beginning to think that this whole Purple thing is going to leave as much of a mark. And why shouldn�t� there are more emotions tied up here, everything is even more gray and this time the fault lies 100% on me� So yeah I lost it. Went nutzoid! My mind raced / My emotions burst like an overwhelmed damn� and logic� logic was churned with the rest of the flotsam and lost upon the shores. The littlest of things became subject to scrutiny and concern rivaling Kenneth Starr. My friends / loved ones took the brunt force of it all. The very same people who told me I had to do something about Purple cause they too were getting hurt. The irony is not lost on me. But they are not at fault� this time it�s all me� all mine. I could take the time here to explain why� Why the fault lies within my friends meaning too much to me, and my insecurities but I�d become defensive. Super defensive because I have explored the hows and whys of it all and keep coming back to core properties of myself and how I am. Some of the core properties are good, some bad� but whatever the case they make me� me. And I�m pretty sure they�re immutable. So yeah� it�s my fault.. my fault cause I was being myself. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. This is an explanation as to why it�s soo hard on me. It�s also an cry for help. I need to be told that these parts of me are for the most part good things and that I�m worth my faults. I need hope. That�s what was absent yesterday. Hope� After being ditched by my EBF and now cutting off Purple� Hope is what I need. And as always, my �needs� exceed my entitlement / my worthiness. Lastly too all those taking the brunt� I�m sorry, I truly am. Hey gingerbug thanks so much for the fav listing� All I can say is go back and read some of my older entries� they�ll much more entertaining then what�s going on now. Take care, -Fritz It�s been cool - 2005-05-18 If you happen to have a surplus of funds, please feel free to buy something for little old me off my Wish list. You will earn my undying love and gratitude. ;) |
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