 |
|
|
Sign Here
Visitors:
Visitors:
|
10:55 a.m. - 2003-01-23
Some things can�t be fixed I guess I should record here my doctor�s visit as of yesterday. See I haven�t been feeling well recently.. I mean physically in this case. It had gotten bad enough that I caved in and made an appointment etc� Well, it turns out that the stress I�ve been whining about in here for the past few months has gotten severe enough that certain systems in my body have decided to shut down every so often�and recently more often than not. Let me summarize the big picture for you all. Ever since the whole Purple fiasco of past June / July�. Even probably dating back to the whole EBF scenario which just predated the start of this journal I have been stressing over whether or not I can work in this world / my world. I, at my core value cuddling and female affection above all else. Money, fame and power to me would really just be means to achieve more cuddling. My whole life in one way or another� explicitly or covertly has been shaped and molded to achieve as much as I can get. Yeah I�m a goof. I know this. I also know that this overriding need has wrecked havoc on me and those around me. It in some facet, has lead to the loss of the majority of my closet friends over my life. And thus why after the Purple incident and the introspection the soon followed it�. I quickly began to question whether I can honestly ever work in this world. Because of this need, I will always need friends but in the same hand I�m doomed to loose them too. Maybe just maybe I�ll be able to find a few who can either put up with.. or hell, even enjoy / value the same things� That WAS the hopeful conclusion� But now it�s seeming as if finding friends that can put up with me isn�t the only obstacle to my working. Now, it turns out that even those who I love and love me the most� that have been around me forever are starting to find this part of me� problematic. Even though they themselves enjoy the benefits of it. By far this is the most damning evidence of my inability to work. So why not just fix it� fix me? Why, if this value has created so much mayhem� just go and get it fixed? That�s a fair question, no doubt. And one I don�t have a firm empirical answer too. Only that I know this, this value makes me, me at my core� it creates all the good that people enjoy in me as it does all the problems. Changing this would be changing me.. It would be equivalent to formatting thefritz drive� It�s too interlocked� if it can�t work, I can�t work.. and I�m totaled. And the outlook has been so dim that even my body has been catching on� I mean I want to have hope but when your own body stops believing in it� Take Care -Fritz It�s been cool - 2005-05-18 If you happen to have a surplus of funds, please feel free to buy something for little old me off my Wish list. You will earn my undying love and gratitude. ;) |
My
Favorite Diaries
 (shutupyoda)
|
