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3:53 p.m. - 2002-08-06
moreover I suppose my earlier entry deserves a better explanation� A question asked of me / everyone on a regular basis.. �What do you do for fun?� Well, I never have a good answer for that. You see, most people have hobbies. They like sports playing them and/or watching them. Or they like games, computer or video varieties. Some just are really into TV while some exercise their artistic talents with paint, voices, instruments, words, pictures. But me??? Me? Hmmm� really when I truly think about it, that space in my life,� that little recreation void is filled primarily by friends. I mean, everyone has friends� some more than others but for me, friends and my relationships mean a great deal to me. Indeed if anything they mean too much to me. �Too much� you question� yes, too much. So much that feelings of insecurity and it�s evil twin, jealousy, pop up all the time� or fogs of guilt roll in and cloud up everything� (other excessive emotions edited). Now I might have been a bit overstating my woes here, I truly don�t feel I suck at being a friend� I would consider myself decent. But here�s the crutch� I don�t want to be decent� I work at it� I mean honestly I try to be the best Fritz I can be to my friends. Because they mean so much to me, I want to be the best I be for them. But that sometimes mean letting go. And that is what I have the hardest time doing. I�ve gotten better at it� really I have! I understand that when a close friend gets a new significant other, they are going to be less available / more preoccupied. But hey, I understand that�and can handle those cases pretty smoothly� Ahhh� also some friendships just have a natural ebb n flow� and while those often are subject to guilt fogs� I can roll with them. But when a friend gains a new friend and that interferes with our relationship� I can�t help be hurt. I try so hard� what does that new friend have that I don�t? what can they provide that I can�t? I know some are naturally just better friends then others. Given� but you�ll find few who are willing to work so hard as me. It�s like playing a round of golf with Tiger� You know has hard as you can try and work, you won�t come in first� then why even try� Ahhh then there�s the other catch� I have lots of friends� why should the loss / diminishing of one or a few hurt so much. Cause, the ones that register these feelings are the ones that are the closest to me. The ones that at one point or another, I have gotten to play large parts in their lives. There�s a strong sense of insecurity that runs deep deep in me. And in many many ways I have been able to overcome it. However not yet with friends� and in small part due to my EBF. Eh� There are a lot of lousy fisherman, gamers, writers out there� how do they deal with knowing they�ll never excel at what they do? Speaking of my EBF� (estranged best friend, for those out of the know) It has been told to me that I should write her a letter. And ask her whatever I need to ask her to get the closure I need. Well I haven�t yet. I have no idea what I want to ask� eh� that�s not true I know what answers I want� it�s just I also know what answers I don�t want to hear. Why? Has your life been better without me? Do you look back and see my role in your life as a positive one? How did our friendship get bad enough that you ejected out of the clear blue sky without ant forewarning on my part? Are you happy? Do you know I miss you, but that I have no idea if I could handle ever seeing you again much less be a part of your life again. Eh� there you all go� now you know a tad more. Take care all� -Fritz It�s been cool - 2005-05-18 If you happen to have a surplus of funds, please feel free to buy something for little old me off my Wish list. You will earn my undying love and gratitude. ;) |
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