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10:18 a.m. - 2002-08-22
Did it For the sake of prosperity / for my own sanity / cause you all might just be curious. I feel the need to record here how last night went down. In short it went exactly how I expected it to with a slight twist at the end. She arrived as I was making dinner. We exchanged small talk. Dinner was served with the standard pleasant conversation accompaniment. After dinner I put the food away and dishes in the sink. Purple and I then took I drive down to point lookout. Not having found wallet preceding our journey� speed limits were much more considered than normally. Anyway we got there we parked. The sun had just set and the sky was still bright but not as colorful has I would have hoped. She didn�t say a word. I did. I explained everything to her. That as she well knew my feelings to her were considerably stronger her�s for me. But the discrepancy had grown (my feeling stronger and her feelings lessened) to the point that for awhile now I was being hurt. Really hurt. And that since I knew it was all due to my feelings being so strong that it was my fault. And thus I had adopted a strategy of my problem, my pain. I was getting hurt cause of my own mess and long as I was the only one then that fitted me fine. But I had recently been informed that I, like all men, am not an island. That infact my pain and hurt was getting to those around me and affecting them in not happy ways. So much that I had been told by more than one person directly and indirectly that I needed to fix this. Thus that�s what I going to attempt to do. But I�m not going to do what I did a few years ago when a similar problem arose I�m not going to let my love turn into hate. That I�m going to do my best to do some emotional engineering to scale back my feelings for her. For that to occur though.. I�m going to need some emotional distance. That I�m not going to able to be a good friend to her for a time. With the caveat that if she needs me she�s free to find me and I�ll be there for her. That I�m not completely abandoning her. Just kinda a �emergency use only� sort of thing. She responded exactly as I expected� and thought I was I was blaming her for this all and became a bit defensive. But I quickly agreed with her defensive points. I mean I wasn�t ever arguing with her� this IS my fault. And that I�m really really sorry about that. Once her flawlessness was assured, she relaxed a lot. She told be she understood what I was trying to do and respected how difficult this all is on me. After a bit more we headed home. Quiet the entire 25 minute way. She seemed a bit more saddened than I expected. And when we got home she surprised me by telling me she was going to say goodbye to White and head back to her place. I had fully expected to her to go to White for comfort / support and stay by him all night. I explained that she was more than welcome to spend the night and that her leaving was neither expected nor needed. But she left. And I was / am left with that feeling �Did I do the right thing?�� I�m pretty sure I did. Didn�t I? Eh� And now the hard part. I need to totally purge myself of my feelings and thoughts of her. So at some point I can see / think of her in a different way. A more neutral way without all the swarming pent up feeling that exist now. So there it is. There it all is. I feel guilty even writing it down here. For I know compared to others� even others here on my fav�s list, this are nothing compared to what they have / are / will go through. But this is what I�m going through now. And thus, this is what I needed to record. If only for me. If only to remind me later when I ask myself why? At least now I will have answer. Take Care, -Fritz It�s been cool - 2005-05-18 If you happen to have a surplus of funds, please feel free to buy something for little old me off my Wish list. You will earn my undying love and gratitude. ;) |
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