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8:54 a.m. - 2002-02-22
I suppose it�s just the dark before the dawn thing It�s Friday morning� then weekend is like �| |� <- this close. I SHOULD be in a happy happy joy joy mood. I should be eagerly awaiting the nearing weekend. I have fun plans lined up� But alas.. I�m bummed� I probably should have gotten better sleep. But I didn�t.. I couldn�t�. Anyways� I least now I�m in the proper mood to discuss the whole EBF thing which I have otherwise been avoiding until now. A year ago this week she got up and left� She said she needed a little break from me and our friendship. Which on one hand made a lot of sense.. we had grown really close in some respects and not so in others. We spent an inordinate amount of time together. But still had some boundaries which were increasing in jeopardy. Thus when she explained to me one morning that she�ll be needing some space from me.. I understood�and agreed. I did so absolutely reluctantly cause I knew her well enough to know that it was unlikely if she�d ever come back. She had a personal history of� I don�t want to say abandoning friends� more like she just either dropped them or was overly willing to let them drop. And this was how I was or the beginning of how I was to be dropped. I thought maybe just maybe I had become special enough to her to be an exception and that she�d actually come back in some facet� eh� I wasn�t. In the following three months she connected me 3 times� Once by email. Once by phone and once by stopping by. Each time I did my best to be warm and welcoming as I could be but at the same time hang on to what little strands of pride I might had had dangling from my pockets. She made it absolutely very clear I was not to contact her.. this was something she needed. And in that respect I was perhaps overly obedient. That last occasion though when she stopped by a party of mine�we had our best chance to work it out. I told her that she need to figure out what she wanted from me / how best I would fit into her life and then come back and I�d see if I could play that role� She never came back she never said anything more to me in anyway. I guess that was her decision.. I was to be dropped. My friends that she had also grown close too were soon dropped too. As it stands now, no one that I know has seen or heard from her in months. The past year has been fine actually, a lot has happened and the vast majority you all have / can see because next Tuesday will be my one year anniversary here on Dland. But why is does this still drive me crazy? I don�t know� I mean I have had issues / breakups with friends/significant-others before� but this is/was worse� none has impacted me like her. Lately I have been having dreams of her. They are almost the always the same in theme� she comes back or is back in my life� and everybody but me thinks it�s perfectly normal. It has kept me wondering �What if� what if she was to come back or even make contact. How would I react? I don�t know. Ironic isn�t� that last thing I told her was to find out what/how she wanted me in her life. To figure out what honestly and truly makes her happy and to figure out I fit in to that. And now� now I couldn�t answer those same questions in respect to her�. Well I�m going to let this not so uplifting entry stand on it�s own. And just so another entry later. Until then Take care all. -Fritz It�s been cool - 2005-05-18 If you happen to have a surplus of funds, please feel free to buy something for little old me off my Wish list. You will earn my undying love and gratitude. ;) |
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